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a tragic fall from grace..

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Sunday, December 21st, 2008
10:55 pm - seeing as how...
... i am in love with my ipod touch and am able to blog from my ipod i might as well start blogging again. the question is, do i pick up where i left off or do i start anew? this place has pretty much turned into a dark cavernous shitstorm filled with blogs about how much i hate my boyfriend and saved messages and emails from his booty calls. i suppose i should start a new space where i can devote positive energy.
Thursday, November 6th, 2008
5:33 pm - i'm so pissed this is public for you to find
lies after lies after lies after lies after lies after FUCKING LIES.

where's the part where you're worth it? let me know where this relationship is open and closed. i know what you want and yet you continue to insist that you "love" me - that you still want to be with me. if you supposedly have such strong feelings then why do you continue to lie to me?? all you fucking do is lie to me.

i'm such a sucker. you had me fooled.

you're not even worth it to say this shit in person, assface.
Saturday, September 20th, 2008
3:40 am
if you want people to stop calling you a bad boyfriend, then stop acting like a shitty boyfriend.
Saturday, August 16th, 2008
2:44 am
i can't stand this anymore. i can't sleep. i can't eat. i have been fighting the urge to drink myself to fucking death. talking it out does NOT help. writing it out is NOT HELPING. all its doing is rehashing old wounds that honestly, never fucking got fixed. they got glossed over and it just repeats itself. its almost three and i'm still waiting for you. i am SO SICK of waiting for you. if you want your fucking single life back - THERE IS NOTHING STOPPING YOU. i hate how you make me feel so fucking terrible for feeling the way that i feel. and now i'm back here. REMEMBERING WHY I WENT FUCKING CRAZY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Saturday, June 14th, 2008
1:31 am - of course the first thing i do when i'm upset...
is to go to the livejournal. but i don't even know what to say about this one. i'm always torn. at times like these i'm overwhelmed with negatives. sometimes it feels like the negatives outweigh the positives. i don't even know what to make of what things have become. i honestly don't know where to go from here or what to make of what's in front of me. i've been walking the same path for so long that i'm too afraid to get lost. the path i'm going now...i know where i'll end up. if i veer off...then i'm not so sure that where i'll end up will be where i want to be. in the movies, you see the main characters have massive epiphanies that point them in the right direction but honestly - i'm still trying to find a destination. i never make sense. i'm just an idiot. i was stupid enough to get straight C's this semester. i keep trying to find a way back up but its just so hard getting knocked down over and over. maybe the reality is that i need these knocks on the ass to wake up to see that taking a different approach would be better for me. but i don't want to brave the uncharted territories alone in order to do so. but that path only has enough space for one.
Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
7:08 pm
so the dunkin donuts ad featuring Rachel Ray has been pulled because of someone's complete ignorance. i don't necessarily make a big deal about others' idiocy...ok yeah i do...but this is especially irritating seeing as how racist it is to make an assumption about someone - especailly when its because of what they wear.

so if anyone is actually reading this, here's the background story:
Rachel Ray's dunkin donuts ad has been pulled because she's wearing a scarf that looks like shemagh or a keffiyeh in the ad (its not even a real shemagh, its a totally different pattern) . and of course, someone (by the name of Michelle Malkin) made a big shit about it and rallied to boycott dunkin donuts because she was advocating "hate couture". On Malkin's blog, she said this:

"Anti-American fashion designers abroad and at home have mainstreamed and adapted the scarves as generic pro-Palestinian jihad or anti-war statements. Yet many folks out there remain completely oblivious to the apparel's violent symbolism and anti-Israel overtones."

many of you have seen me or ej rocking shemaghs - does that make us terrorist sympathizers? definitely not. Malkin has taken the actual purpose and meaning of a shemagh and turned it into a symbol of terrorism to everyone who believes everything they hear from the media.

Wikipedia describes the shemagh as this:
The keffiyeh (shemagh) is a traditional headdress of Arab men, made of a square of cloth ("scarf"), usually cotton, folded and wrapped in various styles around the head. It is commonly found in arid climate areas to provide protection from direct sun exposure, as well as for occasional use in protecting the mouth and eyes from blown dust and sand.

shemagh scarves are widely worn in arab-speaking countries, among muslims, christians and jews, and is part of traditional arab dress. today, US and British troops in the middle-east wear shemaghs. if these scarves were truly the dress of terrorists, then why would they sell them in military supply stores and allow soldiers to utilize them? hell - the uber-christian jonas brothers wear shemaghs, is it time to boycott cookie cutter popsters?

i definitely don't agree with the pulling of the ad. it sends the message that its ok to hate aspects of a different culture but misconstruing its purpose. by pulling the ad, the company is letting right-wing, overtly conservative, ignorant people who send messages of hate into the world control what we should consider ok in this country. what if all of a sudden, someone misconstrued the flipino culture and perpetuated that barongs were considered a pro-terrorist fashion statement?

i don't advocate undeserved hatred against any group of people and if you feel as strongly as i do about this, visit this link to give your name to a letter that goes to the heads of dunkin donuts asking for an apology to the arab-american people.
Monday, June 2nd, 2008
10:53 pm - let's talk about how much i disdain other people.
so i just got an angry message on youtube. but it felt good. let's go further back in the day to find out why...

so earlier ej and i were watching videos on youtube. he likes to scroll down and look at comments. personally, i hate looking at other people's comments. i mean, yeah, i can be a bitch - but shit, people who think they're fucking better than anyone else because they can hide behind a fucking keyboard. at least when i'm a bitch - i'm capable to doing so in person (granted ej's not around to be a wimp and stop me). and in the least, when i'm being bitchy - its because someone did something to piss me off. i am the least bit criticizing and when i read comments on youtube, it just makes me so fucking sick to see people so ruthless and fucking weak. in any case - it just proves to me more that people are fucking despicable. any how - back to my point - there was a comment someone left and ej had the most genius idea. he copy and pasted it onto one of her videos. and of course she was stupid enough to not realize that it was her own damn comment and she messaged me with this:

uhm. ya. i never told u to watch it fag, who r u to talk to me lik that!!"

so i replied to her with this:

"lolololololol are you aware that comment was copied and pasted from another person's video? those words came from your keyboard. check yo' self!"

case in point: its not so nice when those things are being said to you.
Saturday, May 24th, 2008
9:43 am - i'm all over the fucking place as usual
sometimes it makes me feel better about things when i go back and look through my twenty years of living and realize that he could never do worse than you. i suppose i should thank you for putting us through the worst because in fact it has made us stronger. but i should also slap the living shit out of you for changing me for the worse. for making me so goddamn paranoid. so fucking insecure. yeah i lose sleep sometimes when i'm feeling extra crazy. or sometimes i don't sleep when i realize how much i fear death and eternity and considering the state of the world - we may possibly destroy ourselves within our lifetime. scientists have determined otherwise but there is also plenty of reason to be aware of our self-destruction. that may possibly be why i'm starting to care a little more about the environment - because if i ever decide that i have the patience to push out a kid, i wouldn't like to bring it into a world of war, pollution, and the most evil of all: people. sometimes i regret not having more friends but then i realize that that would be more people to screw you over. sometimes i can't even depend on family. they always say how they'll always be there for you and all that. but in reality, yeah, they'll always be there. you can't necessarily get rid of blood. but that doesn't mean they'll be there for you. i suppose we're seeing a pattern here. alot of things i've held close have let me down. family, friends, boyfriend, electronic items, mother nature, people. goddamn, i hate people. of course i still love my family, friends, boyfriends, electronics, and the earth. but people. certain individuals have the capacity to be intelligible. but the rest....FUCKING STUPID. and you may possibly be thinking "why is she so cynical? are people really that bad?"

yes. people really are that bad. just because i've had a short life span does not negate the fact that i pick up on things fast and i'm sure as hell not stupid. i see it every fucking day. a stupid driver, or someone in public who doesn't seem to realize that the world does not revolve around them, or especially on the news.

and yes i realize that people cannot just be made UNstupid. plenty of ugly people do not realize that they are ugly. and stupid people don't know they're stupid. so possibly i should take it upon myself to say something to those who are. but sometimes, ej just doesn't let me. he'll let me give them a good scare by following them in my car but he won't let me say the words that most people deserve to hear: "you are a fucking idiot - use your turn signal" or "you fucking dillweed - look before you change lanes and almost kill my boyfriend". i feel silenced. i have been held back so much that i wish i could go back and say every single word that every single person who has screwed me over deserved to hear.

but i only have time for one. and this is the part where i type out everything and let it all out and all the bullshit. and i was almost done when i realized that doing so on fucking livejournal would be fucking stupid and vagina of me. something like this needs to be done in person. so should i call you out or just leave it be? should i tell you what should have been told to you how fucking long ago or just drop it because its been too long? because honestly, i'm not mad about what you actually did. no. i'm mad at how much it changed things to be worse than it was. i'm pissed that no matter how great things get, you remind me that there will be a downside immediately after. and yes - what goes up must come down. but when i think about how things would have been if you had never screwed me over - i would have never done certain things and fights would never be as bad as they are now. i feel like i have to punish you. for every ounce of crazy that comes out of me because you infected me with this paranoid poison that i can't seem to find the antidote.

GOD EVERYTHING HAS BEEN FUCKING PERFECT. then i have this crazy unnerving dream that was so insanely real that i thought i woke up and called ej to yell at him. we had a great week. other than the pms fights that don't count because they weren't real fights about anything - we've been great. i was so happy yesterday and the day before and so on and so on. and now i feel like even though you had nothing to do with it, you still put a damper in it. because now i automatically hate all new females in his life because honestly, i thought i'd never have to worry about that. but because of you i do. i'm going fucking insane with this shit because with her, i felt like i was getting over it and honestly - i didn't care that he talked to her. it didn't even matter to me that she worked with him or that she was insanely pretty. but now - all of a sudden. i hate her and i don't want him to talk to her anymore. its like...something changed. and i don't know what. and it freaks me the hell out that i feel this way because i never felt this way about someone before. its either - i like them from the beginning and continue to like them, or i hate them from the beginning and continue hating them. but i've never gone from ok to not ok - except for you. and what's worse - how the fuck am i suppose to bring it to his attention when its nothing? but he's a guy and he doesn't understand the word NOTHING. of course something is wrong, but its nothing - its for a bullshit reason that i can't bring up to you yet because i don't have anything to back it up with. but of course you have to drag it out of me anyway because the fact that i'm not ready to tell you isn't good enough for you. the fact that i want you to think of it as nothing means nothing because you won't be able to fix things as soon as you want. and yeah - i do want you to fix things as soon as possible too, but sometimes there isn't a problem to be fixed just yet.

;AFIE;IOE;OFJWIJF; FUCK IT. this was a waste of time. i don't even know what my point is anymore.
Saturday, January 6th, 2007
3:16 am
i don't understand why you still date me
i'm a horrible girlfriend
i'm jealous
i'm bitchy
apparently i don't listen
nor are my apologies sincerely apologetic.
and at the end of the day you deal with it and still say 'i love you' to me.

edit (2.05.2007: 1.22am):
i can't seem to fathom you or i anymore. </3
1 <3 | comment
Friday, December 15th, 2006
8:42 pm - aaand sooo....
haven't blogged anything for the longest. been pretty preoccupied with school. i write this with a half a breath left in my lungs. last night was the best sleep i ever had knowing that i didn't have anything to worry about today. woke up feeling sick...i think i'm catching something. i'm pretty sure i stressed myself sick. i've never been so wound up and stressed and about to drop dead in my life. i'm gaining weight from the heavy weight of trying to balance everything in my life. still regaining my breath.

two more finals on monday and then i just fininshed my first semester of college.

now to pull as many hoodies out of my ass as possible before christmas to hand to the orphinage.
2 <3 s | comment
Sunday, November 5th, 2006
7:45 pm - beware: venting ahead
fuck english class. its boring. what have we learned in there that we haven't learned before? its like advanced high school.

fuck this place. i can't stand my parents. i can't stay here much longer. i already feel like slamming my head between the door and the frame. i come home between classes to clean THEIR house. i spend all my time cleaning, watching riley and studying. do i even get a thank you? no. never. just a scolding after i come home from disneyland. just another slap on the wrist for not concentrating on school. for not taking care of MY DOG. do they ever wonder who the hell is cleaning their fucking room? john? no. ME. when is it ever going to be enough for them?

my only way out is a noose and a bullet away.
Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
1:20 pm - location: middle of nowhere (school)
okay...i SERIOUSLY need to fix my lj. its FUGLY.

hmmm....its hard to kill time on the computer when EJ HAS MY CAR. poop.

i'm sniffffly.

wah wah wahhh whiine whine whine meeee meee meeeee..

i hope ej comes back with some form of latte.
Monday, October 30th, 2006
6:20 pm
i'm so burnt out on everything. i need a break. but i can't. i can't just get away from it all. i'm stuck at home...with the same people. i'm stuck at school with ej. i want to get away from everything for a while. and not just lock myself in my room. *sigh* that's why i'm always shopping and always going out. i am burnt out.

i feel like a cigarrette that's been dragged on for too long. just put me out [of my misery].


current mood: sore
Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
2:04 am - too keep things even...
if anyone cares, i updated the xanga this time. trying to keep both alive with a slight pulse.

for the record, i successfully stayed up all night.
Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
9:01 pm - otay's acoustic night

it went pretty good. i was finally able to get my nerves under control by not getting all hyper and bitchy before the show. i just sat calmly backstage until it was time to play and then collapsed backstage afterwards. my american heart was there along with their groupies. tomalannah, hannah, allie, both of my brothers, and walter were there. our chiodos cover went over well with the crowd. too many bitches yelling for ej that i'll slap when i find out who. i kicked my stool over after chiodos and mah complimented us backstage. next is suhi with drea.


i need change. or new clothes. need to go shopping but i should wait until november. amfm and the orphinage's vip shits.

so yeah...after otay, we stole our sign which is now on my wall (which is really cute because its teal and purple...i'll take a picture and put it on my xanga.) then we (me, ej, and walter) went to lolita's where we ate nummy mexican food and drove walter home while talking to his prank caller (too funny) then ej and i went home to unload our shit and i went upstairs and passed out and now i'm here watching amelie and tired as hell.

current mood: sore
Friday, September 29th, 2006
8:08 pm
what happens when scene kids get tired of the scene?
2 <3 s | comment
Monday, September 25th, 2006
7:18 pm - and so....
i haven't written in here in a while
my butt hurts.
i'm tired.
my back and shoulders are sore from school and not sitting up straight and carrying my shit around.
don't drink anything while watching family guy.
my nose hurts from drinking while watching family guy.
and i've seen this episode twice before.
i had a great weekend.
weekends feel longer when you don't have classes on friday.
my schedule wins.
i need to clean my room.
there is a lot of karmic block in my life again.
too much crap clogging up my energy flow.
which is causing me to intake more sugar (crap).
which isn't helping my mood (crap).
which isn't fair to ej (crap).
so yeah. i need to clean my room.
i find it funny that the basis of my happiness relies on the cleanliness of my room.
but its true. the world is a better place when my room is clean.
but i can't clean my room until i finish reading chapter 5 for recording tomorrow.
i can't wait for the new season of degrassi.
holla holla holla.
current life on a scale of 1-10: 5. not great, not shit. just barely.

current mood: blank
2 <3 s | comment
Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
8:19 pm - i have definitely reached a new low.
Tarina Tarantino Hello Kitty Mascot Drops - Crystal Post Earring

current mood: sick
Monday, September 4th, 2006
8:45 pm

if i had a bottle,
i'd put this moment next to your heart
and pour the sunset into the glass
and fill what's left with the scent of this evening.

i'd send it to sea and hope it would come back to me
because when your heart returns from traveled waters
all that's left is hope.

current mood: hot
Thursday, August 31st, 2006
10:20 pm - here's your fcking entry, asshole.
if i'm so fucking horrible, then what the fuck are you waiting for?

current mood: pissed beyond belief.
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